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Winters Express
312 Railroad Avenue, Winters, CA 95694
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SOME THINGS, IN THEORY, are fabulous. But in practice, they blow. Thong underwear comes to mind. Betamax. Segway people-movers. And let’s not forget Ashlee Simpson’s new nose.
Such is the case with California’s new “hands free” law, which forbids using a cell phone while driving, except with a “hands free” device like an earpiece or Bluetooth. The intent was noble: reduce the number of traffic accidents involving cell phones, particularly amongst teenagers.
Well, that was the goal, anyway. But the law is really a misguided attempt to legislate human distractibility. With hands free, drivers can now more easily monkey with their CD players, down a burger and fries, cuddle cute, yappy little dogs in their laps, light a cigarette, and fumble through their purses for lipstick and then apply it.

“Hands free” translates into “hands free to do something else.” Like punch in the numbers to make a cell phone call. Which requires you to look away from the road. Yup, that’s still legal. It’s only illegal to hold the phone to your ear, not to operate it.

Know what else is still legal while driving? Text messaging! Which requires one to look away from the road for moments at a time! Still legal! But extremely stupid. Unfortunately, they haven’t found a way to legislate stupidity.

A truly “hands free” law with some teeth in it would mean “nothing in your hands except the steering wheel.” That goes for cell phones, CDs, cigarettes, lipstick, yappy dogs, and Big Macs and Gulps alike. But it still neglects to legislate the biggest driver distraction of all: kids.

Ah, a law prohibiting kids in the car. If only it had existed when my kids were little. Imagine the sheer pleasure of driving along without doing the One-Armed-Backstroke in an attempt to slap the thigh of whichever child instigated the He’s-Looking-At-Me-She’s-On-My-Side-Of-The-Seat smackdown. (Not to worry, there’s a less than one percent chance of hand meeting thigh — the crafty child will quickly learn to dodge Mom’s propelling arm and merely squirm away amid peels of laughter. Initiating the mandatory red-faced Do I Have To Turn This Car Around speech.)

No kids in the car. One can only dream. How delightful family road trips would have been if we could’ve had the kids shipped to us at the hotel.
Hey, don’t wrinkle your nose in judgment at my lovely fantasy of the kids arriving at the Disneyland Hotel via UPS. It’s the law! I didn’t pass it, I’m merely reaping the benefits! Besides, if you’re offended about my lack of appreciation for family auto bonding, then clearly you’ve never experienced the joy of a toddler ralphing up an entire Happy Meal down the back of your neck somewhere along that “miles and miles of nothing but miles and miles (except for the stench of a livestock yard)” section of Interstate 5 on a 107 degree day in August with no hope of reaching a service station anytime soon. Now that’s distracting. Barfing toddlers. Make that illegal!

Since clearly it isn’t keeping our hands free that’s the issue but, rather, controlling human distraction, the latter is where our legislation should be focused. But first, we’ll need the technology to enforce the law, like a dashboard-mounted retina-scanning device that monitors where a driver’s eyes are focused — mainly, on the road ahead, out side windows or at rearview mirrors. Look down to change the radio station, and you get a warning beep. Do it again and zap! Your car seat, which is laced with electrical wires, is synchronized to the retinal scanner. The moment you look anywhere you shouldn’t, you get a little 9-volt “negative reinforcement.” That’ll teach you to keep your eyes on the road, pronto.

But what about distracting thoughts? Those will be monitored via electrodes attached to your skull, and punished. Like the argument you just had with your boyfriend, or how on earth you’re going to pay the credit card bill, or how come “daughter” and “laughter” are pronounced differently, or the fact that the Big Gulp you downed an hour ago has created an urgent need for a restroom, the nearest of which is 30 miles away. And all four lanes have just slowed to a sea of red tail lights.

Yeah, that’ll distract you. And get you zapped. But hey, it’ll also alleviate the need for the restroom. However, you’ll need a good car upholstery cleaning service. Just don’t call them on your cell phone while you’re driving. It’s against the law.

OUT OF OFFICE COUNTDOWN: We’ll be Dubya-free in 28 weeks!